I haven't blogged for so long I think I've forgotten how to do this so please bear with me. I think I do this more for myself than for any other reason. I'm so bad at this that I can't even post pictures.
Last week was the one year anniversary of Kawika's passing. It was such a terrible time and really such an awful year. We were already under so much stress and pressure at the time before his death. Kanani was gone away to school. Something I wanted more than anything for her. She need so badly to get away from Hawaii and from the negative experiences of high school that I wanted her to go away for her but for me I really wanted her to stay. I needed so much help with the boys, the house, our routine. She had been more of a mother to them than I had those 4 years since we had Ethan. So anyway, she leaves and the next month we added Anthony (who I love dearly). I did not know how to manage the 3 kids, the house, my calling, and all my work hours. I must be crazy to think I could work 70 to 80 hours a week on top of being a mommy but I did and I still do. So since 2007 Kepa and I have been running on empty and running crazy. We kept thinking things would get better but instead he decided to remodel the house and put in a new yard. How much stress could one family take?
Then Kawika and it seemed everything was just different. . . Kepa was different, our lives were different. I felt like I was on autopilot all the time and I was exsisting to get through the day and if I could make it though that day then I'd have to face the next one. There were so many people to take care of too, so many raw emotions, so many hearts to heal. I could feel Kepa checking out, just being but not living. Something big died in Kepa that day. I could never imagine how it feels to lose a brother and for Kepa I know he felt he failed in a huge way. As the oldest boy in a family were life was about surviving, he had great responsibility and he just could not bear to lose his younger brother. It is so hard to understand the toil it takes on a person.
So now we've hit the one year mark. Are things different? Are things not so hard? Have we moved on? I would have to say things are buried, things are pretended, things are hard.
2 comments:
Jen, I'm here. Please call me anytime for help. I mean it. I'd be happy to help you out. If you need me to watch your boys or what ever. . . call me please. Love you girl!
i am sorry it has been such a hard year, that is a lot to handle and i know what you mean about kanani, you want them to have their life but you miss them so much and need them. i figured it was the one year since kepa had shaved, he looked so handsome but not relieved in any way. please let us know if we can help, matt is always happy to talk to kepa. i am not as good as i used to be about helping people and i am sorry about that. but we are here for you for whatever you need.
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